WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

So, Alex wins the X-Factor, ok so I said Austin would win but I'd forgotten how his bawling antics in the early stages had put paid to his chances. Diana started strongly but faded badly in the latter stages. I actually think I ended up wanting Ruth to win. This is all academic of course, because this year ITV have actually released the voting percentages from every week of the show. And the rumours were correct, Eggnoggin was actualy winning EVERY WEEK for the first six weeks and only lost out when Alex gained votes from other female contestants who went out towards the end. These figures also show just how influential sob stories and media hype can alter the votes. Remember Scott's first week travesty - the Matt Bianco song "Yeah, yeah"? Well, due to his sobbing after the judges comments he actually came second that week! Eggnoggin was also clearly just being voted for by everyone in Northern Ireland, even to the point where Cowell introduced him as "representing Ireland" like it was friggin Eurovision. Surely that's why whatshisname.........Leon Thingy won last year, simpky because the whole of Scotland was voting for him. Just be thankful someone half decent did win this year.

HELLO, BYE BYE

HELLO: Harry Hill is back! TV Burp on series link. Bing Gordon on Little Britain USA. Fonejacker. BYE BYE: Pretty much everything else on Little Britain USA, Stephen Fry in USA, nice scenery shame about the inhabitants.

WHY OH WHY OH WHY: PART ONE

Why oh why do they have The Omellete Challenge on Saturday Kitchen? Not one of the celebrity chefs ever makes anything that even constitutes and omellete and smug James Martin presides over the whole thing like he's Clarkson on Top Gear's Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

IT'S THE X-FACTOR AGAIN, ALREADY!

So, the X-Factor reaches the finals stage and after a promising start, things go badly wrong with the Michael jackson week which was, Diana aside, pretty awful. I'm still trying to figure out who Cowell is looking to get rid of for the next series. Louis gets dumped with the bands category, which means he has no chance of winning, and Danni (who's trying way too hard after she was virtually edited out of the audition stages) gets the "Overs", including Daniel, who is being ribbed for looking like Ricky Gervais. Something which is causing more distress to Ricky Gervais than it is to Daniel. I want to get tickets to the live show just so I can shout "Do the dance!" at him. Failing that, can he at least sing Freelove Freeway one week? So who will win? Alexandra is good but unoriginal, Laura was amazing in week one but transformed into a pub singer in week two "Choo are not alone, Hi am here which-oo", Diana is lovely and talented but the teenage girls who vote won't like her, so, sadly, I think that Austin will probably win.

STREETDATE with HOLLY WILLOUGHBY

Jeez, they could use this as a means of torture in Guantanamo Bay. I challenge anybody to sit through more than 5 minutes of it. I barely made it past the opening credits. Who would have thought Holly '2CockGob' Willoughby could be this annoying?

DAWN OF THE DES

Has someone killed Des Lynam and replaced him with an android? Or is he just a Zombie? I've just watched Sporting Mastermind and was shocked to see how the once mecurial Lynam has, seemingly overnight, lost all his skills as a TV presenter. Granted he was already going downhill with his performance on Countdown where he could barely disguise his boredom, but his introduction on Sporting Mastermind must rank as one of the most monotone readings of an autocue since Jane McDonald hosting the National Lottery programme. His reading of the questions is barely any better. Give it up Des.

IN CRITICISM OF ALAN SUGAR

Does anyone else see the 'elephant in the room' whilst watching The Apprentice? The thing is, Alan Sugar is somewhat living on past glory's. What do his companies actually do? What does he actually sell nowadays? He sure as hell doesn't know anything about advertising. It was the same in the last series with the 'advertising' task. As far as Alan is concerned, all you need is to do is shout the name of the product at the viewer and show a picture of it. Job done. Perhaps someone ought to have the balls to point out that the advertising game is rather more sophisticated today (as Raef and Michael knew). Answer me this Sir Alan. Do you thing an ad' showing a Gorilla playing the drums to a Phil Collins tune would be a good way to advertise chocolate?